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[Jun. 18th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
Holy moly, have I changed.
Graduate on Friday.
Get married next Saturday to the man of my dreams.
Start work in August??? Fingers crossed.
But more than that, I finally realized that what I thought was grown-up, really wasn't at all. It's a dangerous place to think you're mature and perfect, because you never are. But I can say that I'm so happy with myself now, knowing my faults intimately and finding new ones everyday. Sounds crazy, but I'm just so excited to be alive that it doesn't matter.
Got bit in the butt by something incredibly dumb I wrote on here a few years ago. Somehow I thought I could impart advice on a subject I knew nothing about, and the person wasn't even asking for advice, but for an outlet to rant. I shoulda known, seeing how my journal was nothing but that. I've also come to realize that my journal was rather silly. I holed myself up in my room, poetically magnifying my problems and making the whole world seem out to get me, which makes me special. Phhhbbbtttttt. Craziness. My whole life has been lucky. But I guess I shouldn't totally turn my back on you LJ (though you got me in trouble many times). It was my own fault for saying too much in a public space, where concealed identities only show you how much of a jerk you can really be sometimes.
Even in writing this I'm finding myself want some validation, like, "No, you're not a jerk!" But really, we all know when we've done something wrong to someone, and no matter who you are in the rest of your life, you're a jerk to that person. I can only apologize. |
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| guilt. |
[Feb. 16th, 2008|12:33 am] |
Sometimes we're not guilty for things we have done, but rather for the things we have. Things that were given to us that we have no choice over. I have days where I am so unhappy with how I am, and then see someone who has much less. It rips at me for so many reasons. Not only am I deeming them as having less which makes me feel like a jerk, but I've also be twisted enough to think that I myself didn't have enough, when they would trade so much to be in my shoes.
I guess then I am guilty for my actions; for not being more grateful.
****************
I read an article the other day saying why some women have trouble losing weight. We tend to look at our legs and think, "Bad." We never think, "Thank you for carrying me today." Or, "Wow, you got me to class on time even after I punished you at the gym yesterday." So tonight, I'm going to thank my thighs, and everything else. And tomorrow, I'm going to wake up with a new attitude, one of thanks.
It's been too long. |
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| mean people |
[Dec. 13th, 2007|06:44 pm] |
After a horrible day (it's finals week.... everyday until it's over is horrible), I was walking back to my dorm talking on my phone. I don't talk any louder than in my normal voice on the phone, because I don't feel that anyone else would want to hear what I'm saying anyway. Regardless, a group of 3 guys walked passed me, and as they did, one guy said, "Hey lady, we're trying to walk here. Don't yell on your phone!"
I was so hurt/angry/disgusted/wanted to pin him on the sidewalk and punch him in the neck.
I didn't do that though. However, I did respond, "I wasn't yelling!" which was ironic because that was yelling. He simply retorted, "Yes, you were."
So why did this event occur?
Let's look at it mathematically:
Case 1: I was yelling. The probability of this was low, as I hardly ever yell on my phone, especially when talking about something very painful, which I was. I was actually trying not to cry, thus, probably not yelling. Regardless, perhaps this male creature has a different set of parameters for:
x  [quiet, loud].
However, he was an NU student, and thus knew that it's finals week. Everyone knows everyone is completely a mess during finals week. Now, in a group of 3 people, none of which were supporting him, why would he become an aggressor to a random person like me, who was probably not yelling? Answer: he was a jerk modeled proportionately to 1/(x^(.5))... or pretty much this graph.
Case 2: I wasn't yelling. In which case, he's an undefinably high level of jerk. Where's a herd of stampeding elephants when you need them?
*tears hair out*
I'll be much happier by 11 a.m. tomorrow when my finals are over.... that is, if I do well. |
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| why am i in school? (new song) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|01:51 am] |
Gonna give it all up,
I'd trade in my suit if I had one
No more grunting along,
I'm gonna do math for my own fun
And I'd - stay - at - home - to make PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
forever.
Just think of PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
forever and ever. |
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| no apologies for lost time.... |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|01:38 am] |
Some days I can't believe we made it. Out of the womb. Out of infancy. Out of diapers. Out of tire swings. Out of gym class. Out of tie-dye. Out of insecurity (for the most part). Out of cliques. Out of our parent's houses. Out of our minds.
And right into each other's arms.
Purple walls, fish pumpkins, "killing Steve", soups, text messages, little tigers, crunching leaves, bike rides, finding shells, holding hands. This is the good life. My heart's so full that words were forced thru my fingertips and onto another medium.
I love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|12:00 am] |
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and wow, i really did miss reading everyone's journals. you all are wonderful..... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2007|11:54 pm] |
i've been terribly happy lately... and thus not emo enough to write in here. but slowly slowly, i do want to start again. it's nice having this journal so i don't forget things. and to see how i'm trying to grow up. |
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| some moments |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|04:10 pm] |
Last night I forgot where I was for a moment, who I was, what makes me happy even. I was just blank. What brought me back was the feeling that someone was staring at me. Turns out, a guy was staring at me because I was standing in the middle of the street at midnight looking up at my window, not paying attention to whether or not any cars were coming.
Maybe I wasn't totally gone though. Something that makes me very happy was in my room at that moment.
Funny how there are some days though where despite all our happiness, all our love and fortune and joy, we just feel alone and scared, even when we aren't. Maybe it's just part of this big process.
Some days prayers fall out of my lips even when I don't mean to, and other days I try and try and even the air gets stuck. Right now in my life I can't dictate which days are which, but at least I'm learning that they exist and am grateful for the former. I'm grateful that I have no enemies. I'm grateful for the immense amount of faith someone special has put in me. I'm grateful for my apartment. I'm grateful for the stars I got to see this weekend. I'm grateful for the chance to write what doesn't make sense in my head (and probably doesn't in words either), because once it's out here it seems to stay out of my mind for a long time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|07:30 am] |
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wow. for the first time in a long time my wallet is tight. granted, i paid back my study abroad stuff and then some (not including the actual loans i took out), couldn't work last summer cuz of my back and paid for june AND july's rent at once, all without having really started my job yet. *Le sigh* this is weird. and suffice to say, i'm a tad stressed. but this weekend caddying will put me back on top again. yeah for a job that pays cash. |
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| Finals Week |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|10:31 pm] |
ACGHHHKKKKLTY+RCJKL:DSAJKLGHCJKFL:SAJKZXL:MIEOASJKLMJCSKL.
Once again, finals week rears it's ugly head. And I didn't even get to do the primal scream Sunday night cuz I moved home for a week to save money ($563 to be exact).
Linear Algebra II exam tomorrow (required for math majors.... not the funnest math, but at least it's doable.... still not fun though)
Paper on Echolocation due tomorrow.... 2 pages done. 5 to go. Not bad.
Song+Short Paper due Thursday.
It's just this math test/physics paper on the same day that's killing me. I'm a bit intimidated by this math class to tell the truth. One friend took an incomplete in it last quarter, though his teacher was clearly a LOT tougher than mine. I think mine is trying his hardest to give us all good grades, but some of this material just eludes me. I like calculus a whole lot better.
Echolocation is pretty cool, but I'm having a hard time finding sources that are not completely dumbed down or so advanced I see more equations than I do text. |
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| Welcome to the Black Parade |
[May. 24th, 2007|09:43 pm] |
It's been a long time since I've danced for an audience, but I got to again tonight! I was in a piece using "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. We got to wear ripped nylons and black skirts and tops with really dark makeup and crazy hair. Fun fun fun. It just feels good to be dancing again. It was all dance majors (except one theatre girl) so it was a bit intimidating at first, but it helps that I'm friends with a lot of them.
My family came to see it tonight too! I was so happy to dance I didn't care that there were only about 20 people there. But it's in the dance studio which is really small, and probably couldn't take more than 50 people anyway on those old bleachers.
So if anyone wants to see it tomorrow (Friday) night, we have a show at 8 and 10. It's FREE and only runs about 45 minutes tops. In the Dance studio at NU. Let me know!!
And thanks for coming Carmel!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2007|08:43 am] |
I'M NOT HOMELESS THIS SUMMER! WOOOOOO!
Edit:
AND I'M NOT BROKE!! HECK YEAH! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2007|04:33 am] |
sometimes i forget how hard it is to see light when i have my hands clapped over my eyes (closed and covered with sunglasses).
in other news, i'm doing quite well. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2007|12:12 am] |
my thoughts are all over the place. half the time i'm confused if my memories are real or not, and the other half i'm giddy when i think of them.
got to see Les Nubians last night!! they played "Insomnie" which made me very very very happy because that's one of my most favorite songs ever (and #7 most played on my itunes). the younger one kept hopping around like a bunny and the older one was the pinacle of a beautiful, strong, sexy woman. ok, the younger one was all of those things too, but man, Helene was such an engaging character. i think i'm even more in love with them than i was before.
both were wearing tanks that said, "Africa is the Future," and I really really wanted one, and i looked it up and it seems they were kinda in cahoots with a group that made them, but they were unfortunately a limited edition type thing. too bad.
one awesome thing about the show was that it was very intimate. it was at the hot house, which is a standing room venue, and you can get right up to the stage, which is only a few inches off the ground. the best part about this was that you could see them so clearly. they were honestly some of the most beautiful women i have ever seen, and they were in no shape or form shaped like models. they both are very small chested and very very hippy and absolutely gorgeous. one of the first times i've seen a woman being presented in america that just exploded with love for herself in the best way possible, and it radiated to every woman watching. one woman took off her head wrap to reveal a smooth bald head and no eyebrows. other women danced as if their lives depended on it (maybe it did). some were asked to come up on stage and do a "double shake" with les nubians, and everyone (audience and me included) had smiles so deeply imprinted on their faces that you knew it was gonna hurt later.
thanks B..... for everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2007|11:25 pm] |
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If I don't know you, or if you are not one of my intimate friends, DO NOT TOUCH ME. I do not like it. Not on the neck, not on my hips, nor anywhere else unless it's for a high-five. And if you do, it is easily the best way to make me very upset with you and very unlikely to be willing to pursue any type of friendship with you. |
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| dream |
[May. 7th, 2007|08:13 pm] |
Last night I dreamt that I was in the Holy Land.... it was a vast grassy plane with mountains, and all within my panoramic view were the Shrine of the Baba, the Arc, the House of Worship in Wilmette, and many other beautiful white buildings that I do not know in real life, but knew were important. It was a beautiful day and nearly everyone there was African, wearing their beautiful cloth and EVERYONE was singing. The music was amazing. I had my camera out, trying desperately to record it so that I would remember for ever and ever, so that I could show that beauty to everyone else.
My second dream seemed really important too, but I forgot it when I awoke because I was trying so hard to maintain the first one.
We got another letter from Haifa.... haha. We've been accepted for pilgrimage and in the process of replying for over a year now. Our fault, not theirs.... it's just been a tad messy at home. :) I like messes though. And I'm happy I waited to go, because the experience of pilgrimage isn't about the buildings, but about my family. I love them so much. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2007|08:03 pm] |
Someone please remind me that I:
a) like people
b) am a happy person
c) am in college, and this is all just very normal. |
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| little green globs of joy. |
[May. 3rd, 2007|03:45 pm] |
Some days my life feels too big to express, even by living.
Other days, my life can be described completely by what I'm eating. Today is one of those days, and today I'm eating wasabi covered peas.
And yes, eat enough at a time and you will cry. That's real wasabi! HI-YA! |
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| just today |
[Apr. 30th, 2007|08:53 pm] |
After about 5 hours of sleep and the worst day at work ever, I managed to finish my resume and cover letter and just sent them off to Brain Hurricane. Please please pray for me and this internship. I don't want to say that I'm counting on it, but I'm counting on it (B, I wasn't lying to you, I just didn't realize it until after you said it and we hung up).
Now I have a physics of sound paper to write, but I just got off the phone with a friend who said it really isn't as hard as it seems. Made me feel a bit better..... *sigh* After food and a little down time I am feeling better. Good good.
I can do this. Wheeeeee. |
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| fortune cookie |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|10:02 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
"Schizophrenia beats being alone." |
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